There are so many things in this life that have made me question the purpose of human existence. I am no stranger to struggle and I have found the more I resist the natural flow, the more suffering I cause myself.
There are many events SUPER early on in my life that tested every bit of strength I had. I kept on going and the tests kept coming. Many times I would get so angry with God and ask why. Why can’t I just be ‘normal?’ Why did God hate me so much? I felt like a hypersensitive, over emotional freak.
I was born prematurely and came into the world two months early. When I finally arrived, I wasn’t breathing and my Mom almost died, but we both fought to be here. I had to have many surgeries early on, learned how to walk numerous times.
When I was really young I remember wishing so much I could be like the other kids. They didn’t have to have surgeries or go to physical therapy all the time. They walked normally. No one seemed to judge them, stare at them, ask what was ‘wrong’ with them. They blended in, even though I am positive they had their own problems, of course.
I thought I was a mistake. A big cosmic screw up. I remember asking my Mom many times as a kid why I was born, why kids thought something was wrong with me. I tried hard to figure out why and what I could do to make it better. I was nice to people, I had nothing against them, why are they being mean? I never felt there was something wrong with me, but it haunted me most of my life.
This is a main reason why I never felt it was right criticize people or things I didn’t understand or know anything about. I learned very early that it wasn’t my place to judge anyone. I treat people how I want to be treated.
I was so sensitive to others, feeling responsible for them, wanting to help. Many would come to me, even when I was young, but I would end up either taking on their stuff and helping to feed the vicious cycle they were in. And because I didn’t have ANY boundaries whatsoever, this would continue for years. Some get their knickers in a twist nowadays that I set boundaries to protect myself.
It seems I fit a certain role and if that stops, oh dear. WHAT? This isn’t like YOU. You’re always there to do A, B, or C…I NEED you. You CAN’T DO this! If I ever tried to do that perviously, I felt bad because I didn’t want to hurt feelings and would not follow through…only to continue being a door mat.
Boundaries have been a FANTABULOUS lesson. Those who do not respect my boundaries disappear as quickly as they showed up. I have strong autonomy. I have seen my true relationships GROW closer, become healthy and strong! BEAUTIFUL. Why didn’t I do this before?
I love people and would love to help them. Ideally, I would love for everyone to respect and appreciate each other so we could all get along. If only it could be as simple as holding hands, touching noses, or having magic-harmony-fairy dust. I would be all for it!
Humans can be very kind, but also very cruel. It isn’t who they are, it’s what they do. It is part of being human to have endless flaws and endure, as well as inflict suffering. This is something that has been an EXTREMELY hard & shocking lesson because deep down I see how wonderful people can be. I see who they really are even if it’s just a glimpse, for one second.
I truly feel them and I can also feel the pain they have been through, the trauma they experienced to make them shut down. I know. It sucks. I’ve been there yet again! I have never been able to stay there because something inside won’t let me, damn it. If I had stayed, I can guarantee I would not be here writing this.
Apathy makes coping with life a hell of a lot easier when you’ve been here a while. I have to watch my step at times with many people. I don’t take life so seriously and because of this, I am seen as a naive little pixie skipping about down the street handing out rainbows and talking about unicorns. People don’t want reality and truth shoved in their faces.
It’s easy to be cold & indifferent because you don’t show vulnerability. It’s much easier to neglect & abuse a child than it is to raise & teach them to be compassionate, authentic, respectful adults. And it is far too easy to lose yourself in drugs, alcohol, &/or sex to numb any left over pain you carry inside. Let me assure you, it will still be there, just waiting to come out with a vengeance sooner or later.
Everyone has lessons to learn and tests to pass. It all depends where you are on your journey. We all suffer. We have been through terrible things, damaged by life, people doing this that or the other. Again, being human we are not immune to these things, they will happen. Situations are different, but the pain is all the same, huh? In whatever form in takes, which ever path we go down, pain is still going to be pain.
As I grew up, I fell in love with anything spiritual or occult related. Loved learning about different cultures, Buddhism/Hinduism. I was all about lucid dreams, dream interpretation, astral projection. I dabbled in tarot reading, yoga, numerology, and the I-Ching.
I was an amateur astrologer and wondered what my past lives were, why I felt such a kinship to particular things or people, why they crossed my path and what I was supposed to learn. Many would tell me I was silly and not to take it seriously.
As the years went on, this would all continue and progress regardless of family and friends teasing me, dismissing things I knew to be very real. When I look back on this, it’s all quite amazing, really. I had particularly intense experiences with energy, telepathy, & synchronicity as a teenager, but didn’t realize how it tune I was. People would dismiss when I acknowledged such things, so I started to do they same. Man, what a trip! Always trust the intuition, your senses know what’s going on!
No matter what, I have always been drawn to this stuff as far back as I can remember. It’s a part of who I am, go figure. It just is. I feel snug as bug when I talk about metaphysics or spirituality. It keeps getting better all the time. I would fight it because I was ashamed that I believed in evil, ridiculous nonsense. But that’s silly. It never felt like any of that ever, it felt like home. Everything I have done has led me to this point. It’s taken me a long time to get here and I’m not leaving any time soon.
I hope so much that every person on earth gets to this place of happiness and contentment. We have a long road ahead before any of that is possible. I understand the conflict between the head and the heart, but in the end its my heart every time.
The poor planet is in deep trouble and the human condition is very sick and disturbed. When you are opened up to the reality of how human beings actually behave, it is unsettling to say the least. But I see there is nothing I can do. I have to let things be as they are because there is no other choice. I will help where I can and when it is meant.
I am just glad to be home, gees! It’s a big, scary world out there, kiddos….
