I Am Home.

There are so many things in this life that have made me question the purpose of human existence.  I am no stranger to struggle and I have found the more I resist the natural flow, the more suffering I cause myself.

There are many events SUPER early on in my life that tested every bit of strength I had.  I kept on going and the tests kept coming.  Many times I would get so angry with God and ask why.  Why can’t I just be ‘normal?’  Why did God hate me so much?  I felt like a hypersensitive, over emotional freak.

I was born prematurely and came into the world two months early.  When I finally arrived, I wasn’t breathing and my Mom almost died, but we both fought to be here.  I had to have many surgeries early on, learned how to walk numerous times.

When I was really young I remember wishing so much I could be like the other kids.  They didn’t have to have surgeries or go to physical therapy all the time.  They walked normally.  No one seemed to judge them, stare at them, ask what was ‘wrong’ with them. They blended in, even though I am positive they had their own problems, of course.

I thought I was a mistake.  A big cosmic screw up.  I remember asking my Mom many times as a kid why I was born, why kids thought something was wrong with me.  I tried hard to figure out why and what I could do to make it better.  I was nice to people, I had nothing against them, why are they being mean?  I never felt there was something wrong with me, but it haunted me most of my life.

This is a main reason why I never felt it was right criticize people or things I didn’t understand or know anything about.  I learned very early that it wasn’t my place to judge anyone.  I treat people how I want to be treated.

I was so sensitive to others, feeling responsible for them, wanting to help.  Many would come to me, even when I was young, but I would end up either taking on their stuff and helping to feed the vicious cycle they were in. And because I didn’t have ANY boundaries whatsoever, this would continue for years.  Some get their knickers in a twist nowadays that I set boundaries to protect myself.

It seems I fit a certain role and if that stops, oh dear.  WHAT?  This isn’t like YOU.  You’re always there to do A, B, or C…I NEED you.  You CAN’T DO this! If I ever tried to do that perviously, I felt bad  because I didn’t want to hurt feelings and would not follow through…only to continue being a door mat.

Boundaries have been a FANTABULOUS lesson.  Those who do not respect my boundaries disappear as quickly as they showed up.  I have strong autonomy.  I have seen my true relationships GROW closer, become healthy and strong!  BEAUTIFUL.  Why didn’t I do this before?

I love people and would love to help them.  Ideally, I would love for everyone to respect and appreciate each other so we could all get along. If only it could be as simple as holding hands, touching noses, or having magic-harmony-fairy dust.  I would be all for it!

Humans can be very kind, but also very cruel.  It isn’t who they are, it’s what they do.  It is part of being human to have endless flaws and endure, as well as inflict suffering. This is something that has been an EXTREMELY hard & shocking lesson because deep down I see how wonderful people can be.  I see who they really are even if it’s just a glimpse, for one second.

I truly feel them and I can also feel the pain they have been through, the trauma they experienced to make them shut down.  I know.  It sucks. I’ve been there yet again!  I have never been able to stay there because something inside won’t let me, damn it. If I had stayed, I can guarantee I would not be here writing this.

Apathy makes coping with life a hell of a lot easier when you’ve been here a while.  I have to watch my step at times with many people.  I don’t take life so seriously and because of this, I am seen as a naive little pixie skipping about down the street handing out rainbows and talking about unicorns.  People don’t want reality and truth shoved in their faces.

It’s easy to be cold & indifferent because you don’t show vulnerability.  It’s much easier to neglect & abuse a child than it is to raise & teach them to be compassionate, authentic, respectful adults.  And it is far too easy to lose yourself in drugs, alcohol, &/or sex to numb any left over pain you carry inside.  Let me assure you, it will still be there, just waiting to come out with a vengeance sooner or later.

Everyone has lessons to learn and tests to pass.  It all depends where you are on your journey.  We all suffer.  We have been through terrible things, damaged by life, people doing this that or the other.  Again, being human we are not immune to these things, they will happen.  Situations are different, but the pain is all the same, huh?  In whatever form in takes, which ever path we go down, pain is still going to be pain.

As I grew up, I fell in love with anything spiritual or occult related. Loved learning about different cultures, Buddhism/Hinduism. I was all about lucid dreams, dream interpretation, astral projection.  I dabbled in tarot reading, yoga, numerology, and the I-Ching.

I was an amateur astrologer and wondered what my past lives were, why I felt such a kinship to particular things or people, why they crossed my path and what I was supposed to learn.  Many would tell me I was silly and not to take it seriously.

As the years went on, this would all continue and progress regardless of family and friends teasing me, dismissing things I knew to be very real.  When I look back on this, it’s all quite amazing, really.  I had particularly intense experiences with energy, telepathy, & synchronicity as a teenager, but didn’t realize how it tune I was. People would dismiss when I acknowledged such things, so I started to do they same.  Man, what a trip!  Always trust the intuition, your senses know what’s going on!

No matter what, I have always been drawn to this stuff as far back as I can remember.  It’s a part of who I am, go figure.  It just is. I feel snug as bug when I talk about metaphysics or spirituality.  It keeps getting better all the time.  I would fight it because I was ashamed that I believed in evil, ridiculous nonsense.  But that’s silly.  It never felt like any of that ever, it felt like home. Everything I have done has led me to this point. It’s taken me a long time to get here and I’m not leaving any time soon.

I hope so much that every person on earth gets to this place of happiness and contentment.  We have a long road ahead before any of that is possible.  I understand the conflict between the head and the heart, but in the end its my heart every time.

The poor planet is in deep trouble and the human condition is very sick and disturbed.  When you are opened up to the reality of how human beings actually behave, it is unsettling to say the least.  But I see there is nothing I can do.  I have to let things be as they are because there is no other choice.  I will help where I can and when it is meant.

I am just glad to be home, gees!  It’s a big, scary world out there, kiddos….

Suffer. Surrender. Awaken.

 

 

"She had SUFFERED enough. That night she crawled outside where she belonged, to SURRENDER under the stars. When she lifted her head to look at the sky, tears rolled down her cheeks as she was serenely overcome by the euphoria of AWAKENING."

Oil Pastel, Acrylic, Gouache on Canvas.  Lovely Luna, 2010.

Karma Of Soul Connections

Due to the  never-ending fascination surrounding soul connections I thought I would talk about the important-but-not-so-popular-part that seems to get neglected and swept under the rug. KARMA.

Karma is the universal law of cause and effect.  Every action has a reaction.  A debt to be repaid from a former life.  Imbalance reaching equilibrium.  Everything in its proper place.  If you know the karma, you can begin to see what the heck is going on, and you are on the road to peace and optimal healing!  Many have heard this before, but I feel it is worth repeating because I know I needed all the help I could get.

I saw in the search engine someone wrote, “soul connection doesn’t make sense.”  YES!  This is completely correct!  I can feel your mind spinning and twirling to no end!  It is ok my love, this is normal.  ”Making sense” of a soul connection is not real or possible.  It’s something your brain has to do because it’s a brain. All the hours trying to figure it out is not going to work, TRUST ME.  It will, however, help to prolong the angst and confusion you are experiencing.   I know, man have I been there!

This is beyond a relationship you “decide” and there is nothing you can do about it once it is set in motion.  All you do is meet them then, POOF!  the UNIverse abruptly steps in and subtly takes over.  If you understand why this soul connection was brought in your life and what you are both suppose to learn from it, I promise it is the beginning of much wanted relief.  Some will not get to have reconnection, while others will.  It depends on your individual situation.

For those who know reconnection will occur, most will focus on the relationship, also normal, but obviously it’s more than a relationship.  Just the fact that you are experiencing a genuine soul connection says a ton.  The other aspects of the connection for each partner are HUGE!  How fantastic!  You are about to go on a magical journey of soul growth!  Hooray!  Congratulations!!!

I know that is not something you want to hear right now, for those who are feeling the first pangs of separation or perhaps you don’t feel that way just yet, but you are part of something bigger and will come out the other side in a much better place.  I know you will.  Some know this experience.

I know over-thinking did nothing except cause the pain to recycle itself.  It was not until my spiritual awakening that I started to see things clearly and let go.

In my experience, I honestly just want the Truth to come out.  At this stage, I want the karma to be settled.  I want to make my choice and feel the energy balance out again. For me, a relationship would be lovely, of course.

Especially because I know it’s unlike anything I have ever experienced in this life. But that is not my goal.  I used to hope and pray for it, but like I have stated before, it is just extra.  I know this and that is fine with me. There are no guarantees in life.  Just moments.

Ultimately, what I want has nothing to do with a relationship.  My soul longs for JUSTICE.  PEACE with the situation.  SURRENDER to the highest good.  TRUTH spoken from the HEART that has been buried for too long, for no reason, other than insignificant fear.  FREEDOM for the person I met and immediately felt such a connection to, so he can come HOME to his TRUE SELF once again.  His SOUL.

I miss that person.  That is who I love and why I loved him.  He was not ruled by ego.  He was REAL. ALL HEART.  Nothing got in his way, he was authentic, kind, confident, strong, open, passionate and didn’t care what others thought.

I came along and he was blown away by me.  We ignited a spark in each other the second we met, never to be the same again.  Then, we were tested to the max very early on.  We triggered our own junk & ended the fairy tale. It took a connection like ours to flood every single tiny insecurity up to the surface.  But we both come out of it, at the same place, meeting each other in the middle…eventually.

I have come a long way and I’m still going.  In saying all this, I want you to understand that as powerless as you may feel, you have tremendous strength in you just waiting to come out.  Know that it will happen, know that you will be ok.

Each day is one day stronger than the last.  The Universe has a plan, you just have to go with the flow & be open to it…learn your lessons, take care of yourSELF and know that one day balance will be restored.  When you’re aware of the energies that are working with you/around you, there is no reason to feel helpless.  You will be wiser and more powerful than you could have ever imagined!!  It’s all about energy man!

Trust in the process of the universe, they know what’s up and this isn’t just for the fun of torturing someone’s soul.  In your own time, you will be ready to receive the message.  You will be so grateful for all the pain and suffering you had to endure to get there….no matter what the outcome with the soul connection partner.  I know I am proof of that.

Meditation? But I’m Too Busy.

Every time I bring up meditation many people laugh.  Obviously, it is because they do not understand and do not want to begin to try.  This is their good old ego popping in to say hello.  If I tell someone I meditate, I tend to get 3 common responses: 1.)  is to make fun of me and say something absurd,  2.) a person becomes extremely uncomfortable and doesn’t know how to react or 3.) they are really interested in what I am saying, want to know more or understand the value of this daily ritual.

I love when I hear, “I’m too busy” “I don’t have time to meditate” “It’s so difficult” and a personal favorite, “That’s how you meditate? It sounds scary”–I’m sorry to ruin the idea many people have in their heads, but meditation does not take up that much time.  It is also not even close to being difficult or scary.  Besides, like anything else that is important in life, you MAKE time for it, whatever it is.  No excuses dear friends.  That’s your ego.

Please understand, I am not claiming to be a meditation master.  I am far from it (being human and all.)  I am not claiming to be anything.  I say this because people seem to label me as being superior or “know it all” when I talk about spiritual matters, this includes meditation.

What people do not see is that it takes WORK and DISCIPLINE.  This is a way of life for me.  I am dedicated and take it very seriously. When I fall I get up, dust myself off, and start over all again.  It happens.  But I am committed to my growth, my strength, my healing, my journey.

I will tell you something I know to be scary….being outside your own energy.  Yikes.  This has happened to me many times.  The ego is sneaky.  It will try to control and take you over.  REAL YOU. You have to stabilize and manage your energy.  I promise it will save you.  It will keep the inner peace and calm from ever being disrupted by an outside force.  The ego wants you to think it is all mighty and powerful, but it isn’t.  It is secretly envious of the inner strength you have and never wants you to know it is there.

I have to meditate everyday if I want to stay centered.  If necessary, a few times a day.  When all this first came about, I didn’t think I would need to make it an everyday routine.  As it slowly progressed, I noticed I had to meditate to stay in one piece or I would be all over the place.  Believe me, it is not comfortable.  I would pick up all kinds of things, feeling restless, my mind twirling in every which way.  No thanks.

My ego would fight it sometimes because I didn’t choose this, so why do I have to?  But it is what it is.  Now it is a part of my life and I will never go back. It is a incredible tool I use to protect my energy and I cannot imagine not using meditation.  If I become destabilized I notice a huge difference. At times I am shocked and embarrassed, but it can and does happen.

We are so distracted by this world, we forget to look within, to look inside for the answers.  Most can’t begin to wrap their brain around this.  They think it’s impossible because it is so simple.  It doesn’t require anything, just you.  And that dear ones, is bigger than any material possession.

It is connection to the universe.  A Oneness.  A complete feeling that can never be taken away no matter what the world throws at you.  No words can explain or describe it.  You have to experience it to know it’s possible.  People don’t understand, but that is the irony because there is nothing to understand.  It has nothing to do with understanding a thought or concept.  It is all about inner knowing, feeling, and BEING.  The serenity you achieve is beyond words.  Meditation brings you back home where you; your SOUL belongs.  A place where you are content.  Nothing can touch you and everything is still.

I’d like to share a quote from a Zen Master that rings true to what I am trying to express.

“The practice of meditation is not a method for the attainment of realization–it is enlightenment itself.  To actualize the blessedness of meditation you should practice with pure intention and firm determination….Do not dwell on thoughts of good or bad.  Just relax and forget you are meditating.  Many thoughts with crowd into your mind, ignore them, letting them go.  If they persist be aware of them with the awareness which does not think.  In other words, think non-thinking.  [Meditation]…is a peacefulness and blessedness itself.  It is the actualization of truth and wisdom.”

I also would love to share this Meditation on the Strength card from the book, “Magical Tarot, Mystical Tao.”

“Knowing others is knowledge.  Understanding oneself is wisdom.  Overcoming others requires force.  Mastering oneself requires strength.  One who knows when he has enough is rich indeed.  One who keeps to the path is strong.  One who maintains his place is enduring. To live in the moment is to live without death.”

The ego is a tricky little demon.  I know, trust me!  We all have them.  Even after all this time it will still present itself.  It will try to assert it’s dominance, control and other things.  That’s why it takes work.  The real you knows this and every once in a while it has to tame the beast.  Don’t let it take away your power and peace, it’s just jealous.

Spiritual Awakening

Spiritual Awakening is life altering to say the least.  It is different for everyone, yet there are common patterns and occurences.  What I went through might vary a bit for others. Whatever the circumstances, ascension begins because of a deep personal event that causes an internal crisis.  We must dig deep within ourselves for answers.  You reach a new state of awareness and the transition you go through is indescribable.

Some have mini awakenings throughout their life on their way to spiritual growth.  The spiritual awakening I am talking about and have personally experienced first hand is full-blown awakening.  This is when your entire being, your soul transcends to a heighten state of awareness.

EVERYTHING within you changes. You can feel frantic, disturbed, and scared because you have little or no control with what is happening to you.  You don’t know what the heck is going on! You have to try to go with it and know it is normal.  I am extremely grateful I had someone experienced and  kind enough to help guide me through my awakening. It was the most frightening, beautiful experience of my existence.

I remember when it began.  It all got to be too much for me.  I didn’t know what was going on.  I would get these strange feelings out of nowhere and felt hypersensitive to everything around me, I would panic, thinking, ‘am I ok??’.  Little did I know what was going to occur.

I would be flooded with emotion, I wouldn’t know where it was coming from and I just wanted some relief.  It was around the first time I had tried to set boundaries with my soul connection.  He didn’t like it and trying to get through to him exhausted me.  He was struck in ego land.  Gone.  Completely. Gone.  I could not stand it, too dysfunctional.  I wanted no part of his self destruction.  I had to separate myself.  Not only physically and mentally, but energetically.

I was tired.  I felt insane, out-of-place.  I wanted to be alone.  I debated checking myself into a mental hospital.  I was in a fragile, depleted state.  I wanted to retreat somewhere for the rest of my life and claim sanctuary forever.   I had discovered I had all the symptoms of spiritual awakening and that jolted my thoughts even more.  No way, this isn’t real, I thought.  It’s all in my head. This can’t be happening.  Well, guess what?  It was.

I remember exactly when it hit me.  I was in my room at my apartment, I had been wanting tons of solitude lately and it almost seemed odd, like it was on purpose.  Then, it happened.  It was like someone flipped a switch.  I felt this change inside of me.  I cannot put into words the way it feels.  THIS is what EGO DEATH is all about.  THIS is IT.  WOW.  MEGA TRANSFORMATION.  I burst into big fat tears and started to laugh and cry, saying “OH MY GOD, this is REAL, OH MY GOD!”

First thing I took notice of was a surreal feeling all around. I felt different and everything around me felt different.  It was like I was in another world.  I felt connection to everything and everyone and could intensely feel what they felt. I also strongly felt there was a presence around me at all times.  I knew I wasn’t alone.  TONS of psychic activity and strange coincidences.

This was when I met the energy me and was beginning to see the truth of the universe through energy…..

I had weird, overpowering surges of energy.  My energy was changing it’s frequency, going to a higher level (my energy centers aka chakras).  I sensed energy like never before!  Shivers down my back, outbursts of crying/emotion/heart would race, bizarre sleep patterns.  I would wake up 2 or 3 times during the night, every 2-3 hours.  I found out this is commonly called the “triad sleep pattern”.

I also had very vivid dreams, unlike anything I have ever felt or seen.  I had warm, heated, tingley sensations in the palms of my hands, the bottoms of my feet, and my chakras.  I would wake up really tired or want to sleep more.

I was so happy that this happened to me, I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life! But I also felt crazy and frustrated.  No one understood this change I was going through. It is very ironic to feel connected to the universe while feeling out of whack at the same time.  I wanted to talk about it constantly, but had no one to talk to.  The energy would get to me and there would be times I could not function.  Eventually, the energy levels out and the new level becomes normal.  The quicker you deal with the progression, the quicker the recovery.

All these changes came on so rapidly, it freaked me out.  I felt like a completely new person.  What do I do now? I thought.  How is this helping anything or anyone?  I felt like a lunatic. I knew I had no control, but still wondered why it was happening.

There is no way someone would CHOOSE this.  It’s a total lifestyle change that turns your world upside down, never to be the same again.  No one in their right mind would want this!  I would become frazzled, confused, and ask God, why me?!?  I would sob and say out loud that I didn’t want this.  I told God to choose someone else, that I wasn’t strong enough.

But I knew I could not go back to how I was, the “old me” was gone.  That is the most bewildering feeling to have.  I was changed forever and I really FELT it….I literally could not go back to who I thought I was.  That was in the past.  I couldn’t go back even if I tried.  Everything was too different.  Going back to how I used to be didn’t feel right and it didn’t make sense anymore.

Whatever I didn’t understand, didn’t want, didn’t matter.  It was not up to me.  It was going to continue anyway.  The universe picked me to go through this for whatever reason and I had to let it flow.  I had no choice, it chose me.  I didn’t care about things I once did.  I wanted to be of service in some capacity and help others.  I have always been this way, but struggled with what I was put on earth for.   The urge to help and reach out to others was so strong in me, or I should say is, it’s something I can’t deny.

As much as I still struggle at times, I am seeing the reason why this happened, even if it’s shown only one step at a time.  I am seeing why this was chosen for me. It’s a hard path to follow, but I’ll get tugged in this direction the more I resist.  A big part of the spiritual journey is letting go and letting God.

Spiritual awakening is a one way ticket to show you the inner workings of the universe.  It makes you see everything for what it really is.  There is purpose in the most unexplainable situations.  Every life is a miracle, every soul is important.  We are all in this together. We are all equal no matter what role we play on earth.  You’ll be tripping the light fantastic and laugh to yourself that you never noticed it before.  It’s cool stuff.

Soul Connection: What It Is Like, What You Learn, What They Are For

The easiest way to define a soul connection is simply, a connection with another that brings about growth of the soul.  There are all types of soul connections, many levels, variables, and dynamics.  These relationships can be brief, off and on, or long-term.  They can be with family members, friends, or even a sudden, short-lived encounter can have a major impact on one’s life. They are certainly not excluded to the romantic kind that most tend to imagine.

In my situation, its apparent that this particular connection I have has the romantic relationship element.  That is what you first take notice of, but looking back, it has all been so much deeper than that.  I can clearly see that it is all beyond me and him, the universe has its own agenda.

I said previously, the beginning of being apart from your soul connection is exactly like hell on earth.  Torture is probably the best word to describe this phase.  The part that overwhelmed me the most is that is it REAL and you HAVE to deal with it.  End of story.  There is no way out.  You have to face the music and suck it up brother.  You deal with ALL OF YOU.

Never mind the soul connection, they are just the trigger.  All the things you hate, have buried, things that have haunted you, hidden fears–it’s time to welcome these with open arms and confront them once and for all.  You can’t escape this process.  You can only DELAY.

It is all part of getting you to the other side of the bridge.  I cannot even count the times that I cried my eyes out.  There were times I wanted to and did curl up in a ball and lay in bed all day.  Times I would just burst into tears and wonder how something could hurt so bad.  The pain would take over my whole body and paralyze me.  Tears would flood out of my eyes as though I had no control.  My heart hurt.  It ached and ACHED! I thought someone was ripping my heart out of my chest.  The trauma you experience is unbelievable!  I cried every day.

My soul was in unbearable pain and could not be consoled.  People who were trying to help me only made it worse, “It will be ok”, “He’s not worth it”, “Get over him, you’ll find someone better” they would say. Thanks, but that didn’t work.  I would get ultra frustrated with myself that I couldn’t get over it.  I felt insane.  I thought, what is wrong with me?  I could not talk to anyone because no one understood.

I would be in so much pain, I hoped he could feel it.  There would be days I got incredibly  angry with him that he was being such a coward.  All I wanted was honesty and truth.  I was agitated I had to be the one to carry all the weight while he ran away.  It felt like a burden I wanted lifted from me, but it was always there …lingering.  I know he was dealing with the same crazy feelings I was, but with his own problems scaring him to death, he just handled it in an opposite manner.

Some days would be better than others.  It would fade in and out.  Still, it came back with a vengeance.  I would be amazed when I didn’t think of him.  Wow.  I made it through another day.  After crying as much as you can cry until no tears will come, you get to a point where you live with it and accept it as part of daily living. Even after feeling so betrayed and outraged at his behavior, I still loved the guy just the same.  The only way to move everything along was to forgive.  And I did, with all my heart.

As I’ve mentioned, all soul connections are different.  I cannot speak for all, but in my case, the pain does not lessen.  You learn to cope with the ups and downs. And after a while, you get up out of bed and breathe in and out all day long.  You do all your routine human tasks, life goes on, you get a little stronger each day, but you don’t get over it.

I suppose that is both the curse and the blessing of soul connections.  I miss him every day.  I feel him around me all the time.  I know what he is thinking and feeling, what he is going through.  I can sense it.  Same goes for him.  We are a part of each other.  We are connected to each others souls by an invisible cord across time and space, pure and simple.  Sounds like magical pretend, but it is very real Universal Life Force Energy.

Soul Connections are brought into your life to steer you in the right direction on your life path, open you up spiritually, show you that everything is connected, that everyone has a purpose, that life has purpose, nothing is random!

Soul connections are a fantastic phenomenon.  So many lessons were brought to me.  MASSIVE LESSONS.  Three extremely difficult lessons were unconditional love, boundaries and that happiness comes from within.   Love does not equal pain.  Seems easy enough, but I did not see it was an issue until it stared me in the face and backed me into a corner.

I learned how to set my limits, protect myself from others.  I would no longer get stomped on or spit at viciously by others because I did not do what they wanted.  Or be a victim because someone felt a need to project their stress on me.

At first when I was in so much pain, I thought if my soul connection was still here, this could have all been avoided.  But the reality is, it was from me.  It was my pain.  And I realized that I didn’t need him, I needed to do some inner work and vice versa.

Need requires that you are somehow incomplete or that something is preventing you from being a whole person, or that you cannot be happy unless such and such a need is met.  This is absolutely untrue.  No one is ever incomplete.  We are fine just the way we are.  We don’t need things to be happy, we are taught that we need things to make us happy.  Now, obviously, in this world you need all the basic necessities to survive on the planet, but that aside, it’s all just extra…..

A gift from God, if you will.

You can want a relationship or you can want things, but you don’t need them.  It’s a blessing.  And wanting to bond and share intimacy with another is totally natural, of course!!  It’s part of being human and part of it’s beauty!  They are an added bonus.  Soul connections can show you how unique and special that bonus is…

Once you experience it, nothing compares to a soul connection relationship.  It is like magic!

Ego Death

My first glimpse of ego death was when my rational, logical mind was completely disregarded through pure experience.  I had been going through the overwhelming trauma of soul connection separation.

I remember I kept driving myself mad with questions over and over.  One after the other, going in circles, making myself crazy with trying to understand what was happening to me.

I would ask why constantly.  Why God, why this, why that.  In the start of this process, I know for me, I literally wanted to die much of the time.  It was in times of complete surrender where something mind blowing would occur.

There was a particularly brief, but nonetheless, powerful event that happened.  It stopped my thoughts in their tracks and gave me a good kick in the pants.  It was then, that I knew I had to stop using my logic and thinking all together.

I realized it had nothing to do with anything that was actually taking place.  It just helped encourage the stress to build in my brain and body.  It tempted the mind to keep on spinning in those dizzy loops.

Me over thinking and asking why did not give more answers.  It just made me want to pile questions on top of questions to add to the agony of the situation.

The sudden moment I had was like a bolt of lightening that hit me and shook me up.  And this was only a taste of what ego death is, it was only the beginning of what was to come. But my awareness was curious, waiting for it’s turn, peeking through the cracks.

Obviously, you do not actually die when you go through ego death, but a part of you dies.  The person that you THOUGHT you were dies.  The person you THOUGHT you were suppose to portray to others dies.  But the REAL YOU appears and takes over to replace this image you were trying to fulfill.

This is why ego death is at the core of spiritual practices and also why it is a confusing, painful experience to say the least.  The pain you go through is the ego part of you struggling, suffering, tugging back and forth.

But then you finally break free.  You are letting go of all the things you thought you knew and you are stepping into the reality of how things truly are.

That is a scary thing for any human being.